I lied at least once lately; I said I had an art block. It's false. Whenever I say that it just means Im lazy. Because I'll always have tons of things to do.
I never do the right thing, it's so frustrating. I often do something right but it's not the right thing. Being cynical I could say doing the right thing feels like cheating because it is cheating. But that would mean I consider doing the right thing as cheating. Can't be. So yeah I'm always on two levels it seems, and there's a clean cut between the two parts. One part of me knows what's the right thing to do and tends to wanna do it; the other part feels it's wrong. But it's obviously false. But I got that part of me that I know doesn't want to succeed. Felt lately like it doesn't even want to breathe. It wants to die.
That's the same rambling I've been doing for well over a year now. But now I think I've figured out where the disconnect between my two levels of consciousness come from. And it makes so much sense.
Can't remember when it was, somewhere during last week or the one before. I thought again about human settlements and how it impacts human behavior. It makes sense that big cities are too packed with people for anyone to really care about many people. That's what leads many to love the entire universe as a coping mechanism, because letting yourself hate the entire universe is unhealthy. Instead, you got these people who have built up a fake sense of compassion, a fake sense of love for humanity. But you see through their mask when you live by them. You see they hate you, and they probably also would hate every single person in Africa if confronted with them.
they hate everyone in practice. Big packed cities destroy the sense of community. We know that since Babylon and Rome. It's been a long way.
Would anarchy rise in big cities it would be completely out of control. You would see the worst of humanity; which is not human nature. Human nature does not enclose living in such a close space by the millions. You would see the worst of how cruel and cannibalistic humans can get. It fascinates me.
Because I'm no different, except I know how evil I am. Or am I evil, and they're not, and they're not evil because they're hypocrites; and a simple snap in their brain, or three weeks without being able to shop, would turn them evil; probably worse than I could ever be myself. I breached it. In fact I even turned it against myself. If I would be in real danger, nature would probably kick in; but in the meantime, when I think about people getting summarily executed in the streets, it's me I see getting hurt. I don't see myself harming others.
And that's where the split had to occur in my personality. I think that's why I'm kinda masochistic. I'm not adapted to that environment. Moreover (and which is possibly a difference with people I know who to my knowledge don't feel the same) I really don't fit. I was meant for something else. I love the sea; its smell, color, even the horridness of how deep it is and how large it is. I should've been a sailor. I never got sick on a ship even tho I've been on several of these little speedboats.
One part of me knows it can't survive there and wants to go to the sea
Now behold, the Chinese year of the Cock
1. You have to post ALL the rules before all else.
2. Each person has to share 13 things about themselves.
3. Answer 13 questions asked to you, and invent 13 questions for the tagged people to answer.
4. Choose 13 people.
5. no seriously, you legitimately have to tag 13 people.
6. You CAN'T say you don't do tags.
7. Tag-backs ARE ALLOWED.
8. YOU MUST DO THE JOURNAL ENTRY! NO COMMENTS! Unless you're talking ABOUT the Journal Entry.
9. You have to finish within a week. If you don't finish in time, you have to do whatever the creator asks.
10. Be creative with the title. You can't mention you got tagged in the title, but can in the Journal/Journal description.
11. Fuck the rules
13 things about myself
1. My desk is a mess
2. at my grandmother's old house there was a poster for an art exhibit with this on itcartelfr.louvre.fr/pub/fr/imag…
3. i wish I had been to art school even tho it's not that useful, career-wise
Can't think of anything else
What kind of underwear do you like? whatever works but boxer briefs are obviously the most comfortable (and the coolest)
Why did you join deviantart? to look at mature content
What is favorite pokemon? idk; pikachu? not an expert of pokemon
What is your favorite genre type of music? depends; whatever works; right now Azuma Kabuki music; psychedelic rock; vaporwave
What languages do you speak? English; French; some Italian
Star Wars or Star Trek? never watched star treks; too young to have been a huge star wars original trilogy fan. First thing I've been a fan of was the prequels and I still think they're not that bad. Not interested in watching the new movies.
What is your Favorite Joke? modern feminism
Have you ever given a wedgie? No
What Have you always wanted? Did you ever get it? Love; but scratch that, whenever something resembling it happens it's so bad and I just quit
What is you favorite food? Squid pie
Are You Team Valor, Team Mystic or Team Instinct? I don't know any of those
If you could wedgie anyone and not get into any trouble who would it be? I would probably not take the chance
Marvel Or DC Neither
I tag everyone
Now answer these terrible questions : 1) how well do you know yourself? 2) What are you doing with your life? 3) have you done your laundry lately? 4) are you a skeleton with flesh on the outside or flesh with a skeleton inside? 5) would you meet me given the chance? 6) how content with your life on a scale of completely happy to fuck-everything dissatisfied? 7) is life yours or r do you have to make it yours? 8) what is best Korea?
I run out of questions